Baby Steps

My baby had just turned 3 months old about a week and a half ago. Her party planning is definitely coming along and life is such a great journey! I love my baby so much and I am feeling content with everything and everyone in my life!!

Although she is still too young to crawl, she has definitely already met some milestones and is taking baby steps in developing to be a strong little wonder!

I too am taking baby steps of my own to becoming a great mother, daughter, friend, and partner.

I've become domesticated to the point where I wake up at 4:30am to prep breakfast and pack a lunch for Junior before heading to work and making dinner by the time he returns from the gym. We both also started a new healthy diet journey by eating more organic foods as this will help lead a good example for Lily in the future.

After breakfast and/or lunch is prepped for Junior, sometimes I have time to cook up breakfast for my mom's patients, if not, I start washing up and get ready for my day, then feed my daughter, and then begin house chores.

But from next month on, things will be a little different as I begin to go back to work. I just had an interview yesterday that went great and soon I'll have orientation after I get all of my paperwork turned in. I do plan to continue to breastfeed so thank goodness for my Medela pump ;)

Since May, I also have gone back to Tahitian dancing! So far I am loving every minute of it! It gives me some mommy time and a chance to get back the body I once had. I have been out of the hard core dancing scene for so long that I did not realize how much muscle strength it involved! I literally had to start at beginner's level and even then, my body was aching for days!! A month and a half later I have been able to work up to intermediate level of dance and I'm still dying, but at least I know I am getting an intense workout!

I'm just so excited that both baby and I are growing as individuals. I have always been on a busy schedule so being a stay-at-home mom was out of the question and now that I have my mother to babysit! I am so thankful more than ever!!

The next milestone for my baby is to get her on to solids and I've found the best book to help me to start her off on the right path :)

My next couple of milestone are to start work, make it back to advanced classes with Maohi Nui, and to hopefully lose 15lbs by December.

Have a grrrrrreat week everyone!!

Decisions! Decisions!

With my daughter being 8 weeks old soon, there are so many decisions that I need to make, keeping in mind the best interest of my daughter!  My life has been very busy with my new born bundle of joy and now that she's getting older and bigger,  I have some time now to blog and vent about things that have been going on.

Now that my daughter is here, there has been so many decisions to be made regarding putting monies aside for her future, getting her baptized, planning her first birthday party, going back into the workforce, but will my job be "breast-pump friendly" :(  As if I don't have enough to worry about with the little every day things that comes with being a mommy to Lily, partner to Junior, and compromising with both sides of the family **sigh**

After about 9 months, I have finally began working out again :) It's so hard to explain the kind of nausea and fatigue that pregnancy can bring to someone whom has never experienced it!  I can only say that it was so bad to the point where I had to stop working out, and could not last in car rides due to smells and the feeling of being car sick, and overall, I just felt soooo tired!  I missed out on some life changing events because I, myself, was going through a life changing event.  If I were in my normal state, I would've been the same responsible and reliable person, but I couldn't help but put my daughter first and not risk my health!  I wanted my baby to be safe, comfy, and healthy!

I remember what that Japan tour was like for me when I was dancing, but feeling completely drained and sick, only to find out that I was about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant!  It felt like hell for me and I also felt like I was torturing my daughter's home :(  Anyways, I am only 3 days into my morning workout routine and my body hurts so much that I can barely walk, and lowering myself to sit on the toilet makes me shed a tear :'(  I can't believe I used to do this regularly on top of dancing almost 5 nights a week!!

All of my hospital bills are paid, my doctor bills have been paid, my daughter's doctor bills have been paid, and her baptismal is on it's way, so I feel somewhat accomplished, but I'm still overwhelmed with all of the decisions that have to yet be made!

This Saturday Junior and I will be going in to meet with one of staff members from Saint Joseph Church regarding our daughter's baptismal.  The deposit to secure the venue for our daughter's first birthday is also due this weekend and I have to admit that planning her first birthday is beginning to scare me, financially!  Junior has been so supportive and willing to pay for whatever we need, but I'm so used to managing my own money and paying for my own things.  I've been able to (believe it or not) pay for everything that I have mentioned in the previous paragraph with my own funds, but since I'm not working, I'm starting to worry because those funds and disappearing before my eyes :'(

I really, really, REALLY, want my daughter to have a beautiful, fun-filled first birthday and be able to enjoy it with all of our loved ones!  Who wouldn't want that for their little princess, right?!  And like my sister Tine told me, if there's a will, there's a way so let's hope that all the right decisions are made from this point on :D

Wish me luck everyone!  Love you guys!

Friday the 13th

I've been wanting to blog for a while about a lot of things--baby, how Ma'ohi Nui did in this past Tahitian Dance Competition, motherhood, etc. but just haven't had the time w/ my new born bundle of joy.

This will be a short one. Mommy-hood can get pretty frustrating! And I have to say today was probably the worst day of iit! It's very comforting to hear friends & those closest to me say, "you're going to make an amazing mommy!" especially after hearing my own mother say I'm the worst daughter of all my sisters and that all the help that I've done for her will never amount to anything & that I have a devil in my head.

Ouch! I could really use a shoulder to cry on right now! Junior's at work, my baby girl is sleeping... I probably deserve this :''(

Work in Progress

I am at about 38 weeks, which means still no baby, still itchy (from rash), still impatient for baby to arrive!

This is the second week of the Catholic season of Lent.  Last week, I did pretty horrible at remember to refrain from particular food items which I have chose to give up.  For 40 days I am to not have any candy, ice cream, pasta, and soda :( This week, I've done really well at remembering that I can't have these items so hopefully I'll be able to continue to do well in abstaining until Easter Sunday!

My PUPPPs are still here and they continue to make my day less pleasant than I hope for, but preparing my precious baby's room is the best remedy because it keeps my mind occupied and I get feelings of excitement and joy that she'll soon be here and be able to enjoy her room... It is not quite ready yet, but it's a work in progress.

Looking back on all the events that lead up to this point from last year up until now, I can't help but be soOoOoOo thankful to God for everything that he has blessed me with, thus far and I continue to pray that she's healthy and for things to continue to fall into place.  I can recall last year, with my extended family moving into the home, not having a room and having to sleep on the floor in the living room; quitting a job that I loved to go work at another job that gave me more stable hours and stable pay; quitting that other job altogether because I was unhappy there, and etc.  Everything happens for a reason!  Whether it's good or bad, it's for a deeper purpose!

Earlier in the week, I was able to get my room back :D  My extended family now have stable jobs, so they were able to afford to rent out several rooms from a house situated at the end of our block.  My mom is happy that they were able to find a place to rent that is close to her, so if she ever needs help with the patients, she can give them a call (if they are off from work) and they can just walk over to help.  I am happy as well because I get my old room back and my baby had been blessed to have a room of her own :) It feels great to have things kinda go back to the way they used to be. And I say kinda only because things are better now :)  My family is at a better place, my mom especially and I am at a better place and I have my family, friends, and of course my dear Father up above to thank for everything!!

Now, I will do some exercises to help baby come out sooner ;)  Have a great weekend everybody!

A Storm of Thoughts

Being that February is the shortest month in the year, it is so ironic how I've been filled with so many thoughts and emotions revolving not just around my pregnancy!

In the beginning of the month things were pretty easy-going.  One of my best friends from my dance group Ma'ohi Nui, and fellow line captain got the dancers together from Ma'ohi Nui to coordinate a surprise baby shower for Junior and I :') It was another happy moment in my pregnancy to see my hardworking, passionate, dedicated sisters and brothers (of Tahitian Dance) go out of their way to put together a party for me, considering that they have a major competition coming up in a month's time (March 14th--just around the corner of my due date).  I'm always so appreciative of these little things and I hope that my daughter will be the same.  I take that back, I KNOW she will be the same once she see's through mommy's memory books of how blessed of a little girl she is, even long before she was even born!

Throughout the month, Junior and I have supported numerous of our friends with their fundraising projects.  As a dancer, I know what it was like to have to raise funds for costumes, airline tickets, musical equipment, etc.  And I also know what it was like to have to hustle to make these costumes by hand and to make them well.  So, even though I won't be a part of the line for this upcoming Tahiti Fete, they will always have my support!  I was able to donate some monies towards my dance group.  This month I also supported my good friend Edmar Ramos and his AP Calculus students and another friend who will be dancing in this year's Merrie Monarch Festival.  I am also trying to help my friend with her fundraiser for Arthritis.  I know how much it means to her and I want to show her my full support and not just be a talking puppet, saying that I'm capable of helping her and not putting it to any action.  I know I don't have a job and I should be saving money for my baby, but when it comes to giving, I may not give extravagantly, but I give what I can because HE has provided me with plenty even though it may look like I have NOTHING haha!

This month has also been somewhat of a struggle with my hardworking, better half going off island weeks at a time for work.  I'm nearing my due date and sometimes I just feel like everything is just too much for me to handle without him here :( Just the other week my OB was not available so I had to have my check up with the nurse practitioner, where she lectured me about my weight, told me I was already 2cm dilated, and then informed me that is was highly possible that my baby would be born with a low birth weight, but "not to worry." It is pretty difficult to not worry when an authority figure is telling me

1. "You're too fat"
2. "Your baby's too small, which makes you even fatter than I had previously lectured you about"
3. "Your baby is head-down, 2cm dilated, thus she should be here any moment now."

It was good news mixed with bad news and when you tell someone, whose hormones are already out of whack these kinds of things, all at once, of course they are bound to become an emotional wreck for a minute or two or three.  I was so bummed leaving the doctor's office that day because for most of my life dancing, I've been fit.  I built stamina, edurance, and worked out almost everyday on top of dance practices on average 3 times a week.  I would even be hard on myself about my weight!  I haven't changed much of my diet since becoming pregnant so, I know for a fact that I don't over-eat and with baby in the way it's hard for me to even finish my meals.  Even Junior can vouch for me and say that I am making him gain the weight because he has to finish whatever food is left on my plate because I get so full so fast.  I eat my mom's home cooked Filipino veggies every day and my sister in New York also sends me super foods to help baby eat nutritiously as well.

Being that I was emotional after my appointment, I walked over to Shiro's and ate a cheeseburger Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  Probably the wrong choice of food to eat after your nurse practitioner tells you such news, but daaayumm that burgah made me feel gooood deep down to mah bones!!  Hahahaha!!  During the rest of the week I woke up early and went for morning jogs around my neighborhood, sometimes with my dog, to try and get baby out sooner :)

That weekend, Junior came home :)  I am always so happy when he is here because he makes sure baby's needs are met and we get a lot of things done as far as preparing for parenthood!  Saturday came and I noticed that I started to get a rash on my arms.  It was pretty mild at first, but it started to spread like a wild fire.  I haven't changed body wash, lotion, or shampoo, and the only thing different that I could remember eating was almonds, but I normally don't get reactions to almonds, but I thought it could be a possibility because it's been a while since I've had that many almonds so I decided to wait it out and see if the rash would die down.

It has been almost a week since I've had this rash and my OB was able to confirm that it's not from anything that I've been eating or applying, but is a pregnancy rash, which affects about 1/200 pregnant women.  With Junior being off island again, it's been so hard trying to keep a level head and go on normally with this pregnancy because I feel like a meth user!  All day, every day, yesss even in my sleep, there is something crawling under my skin!  I've been tempted so many times to get my gerber knife to try and peel myself open because nothing works :( NOTHING!  I have PUPPPs, which stands for Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy.  You can look it up if you want, but in other words is just this really irritating rash that some women get during their last weeks of pregnancy up until a week of two after baby is born.

My OB was also able to confirm a couple of other things at my most recent visit.  So, from the time that I saw the nurse practitioner up until yesterday (1 week to be exact) I haven't even gained 1 lb.  Secondly, my baby is not underweight or tiny, she is in fact growing accordingly, if not "healthier" LOL!  And lastly, I am not dilated at 2cm.  I am only at about 1 or 1.5 cm.  I am absolutely relieved to know that my baby is healthy and growing accordingly and that I am big because I am pregnant, not just because I am overly fat!  I was kind of disappointed that I am not as dilated as I was previously told and that baby won't be coming out for a while, but at least next month Junior's boss allowed him to work strictly on-island so that he won't have to catch a flight back when I go into labor.  Phew!!  Now that my OB has cleared up those facts with me I can just concentrate on my well-being... but even that is hard with PUPPPs :'(

If you have PUPPPs, I can tell you now, nothing is going to cure it instantly, nothing is going to make you sit in peace for even just 5 minutes, nothing is going to make the crawling under your skin go away... unless you shoot yourself, but that is NOT an option for me.  In the beginning I cried to Junior about it!  We bought all types of things like hydrocortisone creams, benadryl extra strength, neosporin with pain relievers for my cuts from scratching, aloe straight from the plant in my back yard, baking soda powder to try and dry up the rash, oatmeal and milk bath, ice packs, tea tree oil.  I was even prescribed a steriod cream :'( :'( :'( Nothing works :(  I told him how this wasn't fair that I had to get inflicted.  Why am I chosen to have my skin get beat up from the scratching, the cuts, the bumps.  Even then it's hard to talk to him about it over the phone when he's not here with me because he is working 12+ hr jobs off island :(

Last night, while I was trying to get some sleep.  I woke up with my skin feeling like a million bugs were crawling all over and under it--not just the usual thousand that I usually feel, but 1 million!  With my eyes shut I literally scratched and scratched from 1:50am until 3:30am.  I was so desperate to relieve the itch that I didn't realize I had been scratching myself that whole time!  I tried applying my steroid cream on all the itchy areas, but nothing helped.  I scratched so hard my skin became super lumpy and hot, as if someone had lit my skin on fire!!!  **that is a normal thing for me since I've inflicted this rash.  About 5 to 6 times a day, I can scratch at myself until my skin feels "the fire"**  Last night, I couldn't take it so I went to the bathroom and took a cold shower.  It felt soooo good for the moment and I poured my oatmeal and milk mixture all over my poor, aching skin.  Certain areas stung because I didn't realized I scratched so hard that I broke skin.

At that point, almost 4 in the morning, I had an epiphany!!

My baby is not going to be here for another couple of months.  In the words of my OB, she is quite comfortable hehehe!  And I am glad she is :)  I am her home and I want her to be the healthiest she can be so long as she is living inside of me.  Thus, I am going to be itchy for what will seem like in my eyes, a verrrrrry loooooong time!  I've decided to not let this rash control me or my emotions or my feelings.  Yes!  It still itches very, VERY MUCH!  But I've dug deep enough to know that I can be strong and put on my poker face and deal with it with patience and tolerance!  I want my daughter to know and be proud that her mom can endure anything and that mommy can rise to the top without having to open her mouth to win and that she can fight any fight peacefully and patiently so long as she keeps the right mind set :D  Although right now my rash feels like this...

In time, I will be proud to wear whatever armor comes with bringing my baby to being.  Tiger stripes, battle wounds, call it whatever you want to call it because I will one day be proud to wear my crocodile armor because I know I will come out of this struggle feeling like this...

***men from Papua New Guinea of the 

Kaningara tribe in a skin cutting ceremony 

where boys become men, 

honoring the strength and spirit of the crocodile***

With that said, although I am hurting right now, I am happy to know that soon enough the day will come where I can finally hold my precious baby in my arms!

A Dancer Must Know "BALANCE"

Yin and Yang--the balance of life.  

Sweet and salty.  

Hunger and satisfaction.  

Up and down.  

Happiness and grief.  

It is exactly what my January of 2012 felt like.  Along with all the great things to come and that are currently going on, it is countered with the struggles that my nearest and dearest friends are having to endure.  It is sad and it humbles me to the root of my own existence.  Every day, now I "die to myself" a little, thinking what I can do to make things better for my friends, for my family, for humanity :'(

The upside to this month was the joy of being able to be that much closer to the birth of my baby, which I pray is as healthy as a horse :D  I was able to go for a relaxing dip in my friend's pool and towards the end of the month my family and friends threw me a surprise baby shower!  It was more than I had imagined it to be and I was soooo happy and above all, grateful for everything!!

Also this month my really good friend, my former fellow dance line captain of Maohi Nui [prior to me being pregnant and stepping down from the line] informed me of relationship issues that she has encountered, which began to take a snowball effect into larger problems, involving her entire family and has begun to stress her out.  I try my best daily to be there for her and give her daily doses of positivity and a reality check here and there hehehe!

Another dear friend of mine, has informed us of a spinal surgery that she has to go through :(  In an email she wrote to us about the surgery and her thoughts...

...I would have told u all in person about this but it has made me so stressed, scared, overwhelmed and jus emotional the past month and I just can't talk about it without breaking down. I was told that the recovery process will be one of the most painful things I have to go through. and to be honest with u all, I go through so much pain everyday, n i try not to show it. but jus thinking about how much more pain I have to go through jus really gets the best of me; I'm really not sure if I'm ready for it. =*( but I am gonna keep doing what I've been doing and with the love and support I have from my family and all of you, I know I'll get thru this! My docs said it'll take about 3-6 months for me to recover so that means we're gonna be MIA for a bit =(

In another email...

...My cyst grew bigger but isnt affecting anything right now. There's nothing they can do for now since its not life threatening yet. But how do you tell someone who's going thru so much, who constantly gets bad news about their health, to not worry?! I'm so sick n tired of all this. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of taking meds, I'm tired of worrying wat will happen next. I'm so ready to jus give up but I can't cuz I have my kids n [husband] to think about. Getting this news right before my surgery has made things so much more difficult for me. I'm trying to jus deal with one thing at a time but I'm jus so exhausted...I really need a break from all this! 

I look up to her for so many reasons and believe that even with all that she is going through [has been going through], she is blessed beyond measure--we all are :)  In my heart, I know that I want to do so much for her and the non-profit foundation she wants to built, but I don't know exactly how I can help :(  So I plan to just take things one day at a time and be there for her--visit her often and bring her some of goodies and funny jokes hehe!

The day before her surgery, I said a prayer and each day, hold it faithfully in my heart.  She will pull through!  My friends and family that I continually pray for will pull through :) and we need these struggles in our lives as much as we need each other because without any pain or suffering, we would not be able to appreciate the greatness in our lives!!

My dearest, loving God,

I ask and pray that you please be with my friend [------]. Please send comforting thoughts her way and please fill her heart with your love, guidance, and presence, letting her know that her family, friends, and You are always with her rooting for her to continue doing a great job pushing through and being strong!! Please keep [her husband and children] strong and hopeful because as she much as she needs them, they need her more than she knows!! We all need her so please Lord, please protect my friend, whom has fought a long way being an amazing mother of three and a beautiful, wonderful wife! We trust that you will guide her through a safe and speedy recovery!!

In Your name we humbly pray for Your continued blessings for my amazing friend, [------], and her family. Amen.

Sent from my iPad

Sleep--A Fond Memory

I'm about 33 weeks into my pregnancy and I just can't seem to get in a good night's sleep :( Junior even went out of his way to buy me a boppy "pregnancy" pillow. It worked for a week with the help of some hot cocoa before bed, but last night was another bad night! I slept good until 2am, started tossing and turning in bed and attempting to get comfortable. Finally 2:30 came I ended up laying with my eyes wide awake until Junior's alarm for work went off at 5am :(

There are so many things that I miss about not being pregnant and sleep of course tops the list... But aside from that, not being able to dance is a biggie!! It's hard for me to even fathome that I went from dancing to almost every single day of my life since my adolescence to not doing it at all since August! I definitely feel bored, saggy due to the lack of muscle usage, and of course a lack of confidence. Dancing always gave me some kind of self security... that every time I stepped into the zone, no one could harm me, and that regardless of how much sweat and pain I had to endure, I still felt beautiful... Even without all the show make-up and gaudy costumes because looking the part really is only half the battle. When you dance with passion and grace, no one can touch you. And that's what real dancing is about--feeling the music and being so alive in it.

Another struggle in my life is my mom's care home. Since I have stopped working, I have been spending a lot of time at home, I get to witness what my mom deals with every day, seven days a week. It's no wonder my mom is so stressed and I can't blame her for taking it out on my dad and I, no matter how much we try to help her :( It's a hard career and I haven't given her the credit that she deserves for working so hard my whole life to be able to bring in half of the earnings for this family. And my dad works so hard to help her, on top of the overtime that he puts in at his regular job. I love my parents so much and hope that I can help them more so they can relax and also be able to work and take care of my soon to be bundle of joy.

I was brought to realize this about my mom just the other day, when she got upset about one of her patients constantly peeing his bed and how she's tired of having to waste her energy and money for the electricity bill always having to clean up after his mess when all he does is lay down, and eat all day. It's so simple for him to just get up and walk to the bathroom but instead he chooses to pee in his pants and the bed so that he doesn't have to interrupt whatever he is watching by going to the bathroom... In response to her scolding him he kept telling my mom "Fuck you!" continuously! And then made a comment that he would give her something more nasty [whatever in the world that supposed to mean] "/ I guess my mom has been doing for so long that these kinds of occurrences don't shake her, but it hurts me to hear my mom get disrespected like that!!

Well these are the thoughts that have pretty much occupied my mind this week. Last week I was able to enjoy some fun in my friend's swimming pool! It was so relaxing. I felt light as a feather, until I came out of the pool :( I hope that I will be able to enjoy more pool time before I give birth... It really calms and relaxes my mind... Something that I definitely need more of :)