In the beginning of the month things were pretty easy-going. One of my best friends from my dance group Ma'ohi Nui, and fellow line captain got the dancers together from Ma'ohi Nui to coordinate a surprise baby shower for Junior and I :') It was another happy moment in my pregnancy to see my hardworking, passionate, dedicated sisters and brothers (of Tahitian Dance) go out of their way to put together a party for me, considering that they have a major competition coming up in a month's time (March 14th--just around the corner of my due date). I'm always so appreciative of these little things and I hope that my daughter will be the same. I take that back, I KNOW she will be the same once she see's through mommy's memory books of how blessed of a little girl she is, even long before she was even born!
Throughout the month, Junior and I have supported numerous of our friends with their fundraising projects. As a dancer, I know what it was like to have to raise funds for costumes, airline tickets, musical equipment, etc. And I also know what it was like to have to hustle to make these costumes by hand and to make them well. So, even though I won't be a part of the line for this upcoming Tahiti Fete, they will always have my support! I was able to donate some monies towards my dance group. This month I also supported my good friend Edmar Ramos and his AP Calculus students and another friend who will be dancing in this year's Merrie Monarch Festival. I am also trying to help my friend with her fundraiser for Arthritis. I know how much it means to her and I want to show her my full support and not just be a talking puppet, saying that I'm capable of helping her and not putting it to any action. I know I don't have a job and I should be saving money for my baby, but when it comes to giving, I may not give extravagantly, but I give what I can because HE has provided me with plenty even though it may look like I have NOTHING haha!
This month has also been somewhat of a struggle with my hardworking, better half going off island weeks at a time for work. I'm nearing my due date and sometimes I just feel like everything is just too much for me to handle without him here :( Just the other week my OB was not available so I had to have my check up with the nurse practitioner, where she lectured me about my weight, told me I was already 2cm dilated, and then informed me that is was highly possible that my baby would be born with a low birth weight, but "not to worry." It is pretty difficult to not worry when an authority figure is telling me
- "You're too fat"
- "Your baby's too small, which makes you even fatter than I had previously lectured you about"
- "Your baby is head-down, 2cm dilated, thus she should be here any moment now."
Being that I was emotional after my appointment, I walked over to Shiro's and ate a cheeseburger Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Probably the wrong choice of food to eat after your nurse practitioner tells you such news, but daaayumm that burgah made me feel gooood deep down to mah bones!! Hahahaha!! During the rest of the week I woke up early and went for morning jogs around my neighborhood, sometimes with my dog, to try and get baby out sooner :)
That weekend, Junior came home :) I am always so happy when he is here because he makes sure baby's needs are met and we get a lot of things done as far as preparing for parenthood! Saturday came and I noticed that I started to get a rash on my arms. It was pretty mild at first, but it started to spread like a wild fire. I haven't changed body wash, lotion, or shampoo, and the only thing different that I could remember eating was almonds, but I normally don't get reactions to almonds, but I thought it could be a possibility because it's been a while since I've had that many almonds so I decided to wait it out and see if the rash would die down.
It has been almost a week since I've had this rash and my OB was able to confirm that it's not from anything that I've been eating or applying, but is a pregnancy rash, which affects about 1/200 pregnant women. With Junior being off island again, it's been so hard trying to keep a level head and go on normally with this pregnancy because I feel like a meth user! All day, every day, yesss even in my sleep, there is something crawling under my skin! I've been tempted so many times to get my gerber knife to try and peel myself open because nothing works :( NOTHING! I have PUPPPs, which stands for Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy. You can look it up if you want, but in other words is just this really irritating rash that some women get during their last weeks of pregnancy up until a week of two after baby is born.
My OB was also able to confirm a couple of other things at my most recent visit. So, from the time that I saw the nurse practitioner up until yesterday (1 week to be exact) I haven't even gained 1 lb. Secondly, my baby is not underweight or tiny, she is in fact growing accordingly, if not "healthier" LOL! And lastly, I am not dilated at 2cm. I am only at about 1 or 1.5 cm. I am absolutely relieved to know that my baby is healthy and growing accordingly and that I am big because I am pregnant, not just because I am overly fat! I was kind of disappointed that I am not as dilated as I was previously told and that baby won't be coming out for a while, but at least next month Junior's boss allowed him to work strictly on-island so that he won't have to catch a flight back when I go into labor. Phew!! Now that my OB has cleared up those facts with me I can just concentrate on my well-being... but even that is hard with PUPPPs :'(
If you have PUPPPs, I can tell you now, nothing is going to cure it instantly, nothing is going to make you sit in peace for even just 5 minutes, nothing is going to make the crawling under your skin go away... unless you shoot yourself, but that is NOT an option for me. In the beginning I cried to Junior about it! We bought all types of things like hydrocortisone creams, benadryl extra strength, neosporin with pain relievers for my cuts from scratching, aloe straight from the plant in my back yard, baking soda powder to try and dry up the rash, oatmeal and milk bath, ice packs, tea tree oil. I was even prescribed a steriod cream :'( :'( :'( Nothing works :( I told him how this wasn't fair that I had to get inflicted. Why am I chosen to have my skin get beat up from the scratching, the cuts, the bumps. Even then it's hard to talk to him about it over the phone when he's not here with me because he is working 12+ hr jobs off island :(
Last night, while I was trying to get some sleep. I woke up with my skin feeling like a million bugs were crawling all over and under it--not just the usual thousand that I usually feel, but 1 million! With my eyes shut I literally scratched and scratched from 1:50am until 3:30am. I was so desperate to relieve the itch that I didn't realize I had been scratching myself that whole time! I tried applying my steroid cream on all the itchy areas, but nothing helped. I scratched so hard my skin became super lumpy and hot, as if someone had lit my skin on fire!!! **that is a normal thing for me since I've inflicted this rash. About 5 to 6 times a day, I can scratch at myself until my skin feels "the fire"** Last night, I couldn't take it so I went to the bathroom and took a cold shower. It felt soooo good for the moment and I poured my oatmeal and milk mixture all over my poor, aching skin. Certain areas stung because I didn't realized I scratched so hard that I broke skin.
At that point, almost 4 in the morning, I had an epiphany!!
My baby is not going to be here for another couple of months. In the words of my OB, she is quite comfortable hehehe! And I am glad she is :) I am her home and I want her to be the healthiest she can be so long as she is living inside of me. Thus, I am going to be itchy for what will seem like in my eyes, a verrrrrry loooooong time! I've decided to not let this rash control me or my emotions or my feelings. Yes! It still itches very, VERY MUCH! But I've dug deep enough to know that I can be strong and put on my poker face and deal with it with patience and tolerance! I want my daughter to know and be proud that her mom can endure anything and that mommy can rise to the top without having to open her mouth to win and that she can fight any fight peacefully and patiently so long as she keeps the right mind set :D Although right now my rash feels like this...
In time, I will be proud to wear whatever armor comes with bringing my baby to being. Tiger stripes, battle wounds, call it whatever you want to call it because I will one day be proud to wear my crocodile armor because I know I will come out of this struggle feeling like this...
***men from Papua New Guinea of the
Kaningara tribe in a skin cutting ceremony
where boys become men,
honoring the strength and spirit of the crocodile***
With that said, although I am hurting right now, I am happy to know that soon enough the day will come where I can finally hold my precious baby in my arms!
