Sleep--A Fond Memory

I'm about 33 weeks into my pregnancy and I just can't seem to get in a good night's sleep :( Junior even went out of his way to buy me a boppy "pregnancy" pillow. It worked for a week with the help of some hot cocoa before bed, but last night was another bad night! I slept good until 2am, started tossing and turning in bed and attempting to get comfortable. Finally 2:30 came I ended up laying with my eyes wide awake until Junior's alarm for work went off at 5am :(

There are so many things that I miss about not being pregnant and sleep of course tops the list... But aside from that, not being able to dance is a biggie!! It's hard for me to even fathome that I went from dancing to almost every single day of my life since my adolescence to not doing it at all since August! I definitely feel bored, saggy due to the lack of muscle usage, and of course a lack of confidence. Dancing always gave me some kind of self security... that every time I stepped into the zone, no one could harm me, and that regardless of how much sweat and pain I had to endure, I still felt beautiful... Even without all the show make-up and gaudy costumes because looking the part really is only half the battle. When you dance with passion and grace, no one can touch you. And that's what real dancing is about--feeling the music and being so alive in it.

Another struggle in my life is my mom's care home. Since I have stopped working, I have been spending a lot of time at home, I get to witness what my mom deals with every day, seven days a week. It's no wonder my mom is so stressed and I can't blame her for taking it out on my dad and I, no matter how much we try to help her :( It's a hard career and I haven't given her the credit that she deserves for working so hard my whole life to be able to bring in half of the earnings for this family. And my dad works so hard to help her, on top of the overtime that he puts in at his regular job. I love my parents so much and hope that I can help them more so they can relax and also be able to work and take care of my soon to be bundle of joy.

I was brought to realize this about my mom just the other day, when she got upset about one of her patients constantly peeing his bed and how she's tired of having to waste her energy and money for the electricity bill always having to clean up after his mess when all he does is lay down, and eat all day. It's so simple for him to just get up and walk to the bathroom but instead he chooses to pee in his pants and the bed so that he doesn't have to interrupt whatever he is watching by going to the bathroom... In response to her scolding him he kept telling my mom "Fuck you!" continuously! And then made a comment that he would give her something more nasty [whatever in the world that supposed to mean] "/ I guess my mom has been doing for so long that these kinds of occurrences don't shake her, but it hurts me to hear my mom get disrespected like that!!

Well these are the thoughts that have pretty much occupied my mind this week. Last week I was able to enjoy some fun in my friend's swimming pool! It was so relaxing. I felt light as a feather, until I came out of the pool :( I hope that I will be able to enjoy more pool time before I give birth... It really calms and relaxes my mind... Something that I definitely need more of :)

Lots on My Mind :0(

We're about 2 and a half weeks into the new year and I feel like so much has taken place already. I must admit my attitude towards my relatives has changed positively since 2011. I helped my 2 aunties apply for housekeeping positions at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. One of my aunties got a call last week to come in for an interview today. I hope she gets it. I'm not sure if my other aunty got a call :( but I prayed in hopes that they would get the job to ease some stress off my mom so she won't have to worry about taking care of them all time. Sometimes however I can't help but get upset at them. Just the other day my aunties were trying to convince my mom to buy a foreclosed house for them to rent out! How can anyone have the audacity to ask for such a thing?? They don't know how hard my parents have to work just to pay off one mortgage and they want to ask my mom and dad to add another thirty-some-odd years to pay off another mortgage on a foreclosed house!! They don't even know why the home has been foreclosed and my parents may have to spend more money putting work in to fix the home :/ I can't help but feel upset at how they can just ask, ask, and ask for everything from my mom and dad when their own kids and grand kids wouldn't dare to abuse them financially like this!!

I feel like for the majority of m pregnancy I've been worrying so much about these family issues that I haven't even had the chance to rest my mind and prepare myself spiritually and mentally for my little one :( I have only weeks left before she will be here and I haven't even found her a pediatrician :( and being without a job has definitely taken a toll on my bank account. I'm so used to providing everything for myself. I'm honestly very lucky to have monies saved up...otherwise I wouldn't have survived the holidays and paying some doctor bills. Now I'm just worried about having monies to buy all of the essentials for baby :0(

Going into my last trimester, sleep has been nothing but a distant memory for me. I can't even remember the last time I had a good night's rest. I cried to Junior last night telling him how I was so over being pregnant! I'm tired of the body aches and pains, tired of being fat, tired of not being able to drink/ eat sushi/ work out the way I used to, tired of not being able to dance, tired of always feeling so drained from lack of sleep. I think my emotions just got the best of me because deep down, I have been so blessed to have the support of my nearest and dearest friends!!

Love you :)

2 0 1 2

H A P P Y . N E W . Y E A R !

The New Year has been great so far! I'm as plump as can be, but I sincerely could not be anymore grateful for everything that I have in life thus far... still hoping and praying for a healthy baby :0)

Resolutions... This year, I resolute to be

1) Frugal, esp. with a baby on the way and no job at the moment.
2) Less paranoid--I've been watching too many murder/crime shows lately that I have been having a hard time sleeping at night because I'm afraid that someone will break into my house and murder me :'( I can recall having these kind of fears even as a child :(
3) Help out my parents more with the physical household duties
4) Give more--in any and every way possible!