A Dancer Must Know "BALANCE"

Yin and Yang--the balance of life.  

Sweet and salty.  

Hunger and satisfaction.  

Up and down.  

Happiness and grief.  

It is exactly what my January of 2012 felt like.  Along with all the great things to come and that are currently going on, it is countered with the struggles that my nearest and dearest friends are having to endure.  It is sad and it humbles me to the root of my own existence.  Every day, now I "die to myself" a little, thinking what I can do to make things better for my friends, for my family, for humanity :'(

The upside to this month was the joy of being able to be that much closer to the birth of my baby, which I pray is as healthy as a horse :D  I was able to go for a relaxing dip in my friend's pool and towards the end of the month my family and friends threw me a surprise baby shower!  It was more than I had imagined it to be and I was soooo happy and above all, grateful for everything!!

Also this month my really good friend, my former fellow dance line captain of Maohi Nui [prior to me being pregnant and stepping down from the line] informed me of relationship issues that she has encountered, which began to take a snowball effect into larger problems, involving her entire family and has begun to stress her out.  I try my best daily to be there for her and give her daily doses of positivity and a reality check here and there hehehe!

Another dear friend of mine, has informed us of a spinal surgery that she has to go through :(  In an email she wrote to us about the surgery and her thoughts...

...I would have told u all in person about this but it has made me so stressed, scared, overwhelmed and jus emotional the past month and I just can't talk about it without breaking down. I was told that the recovery process will be one of the most painful things I have to go through. and to be honest with u all, I go through so much pain everyday, n i try not to show it. but jus thinking about how much more pain I have to go through jus really gets the best of me; I'm really not sure if I'm ready for it. =*( but I am gonna keep doing what I've been doing and with the love and support I have from my family and all of you, I know I'll get thru this! My docs said it'll take about 3-6 months for me to recover so that means we're gonna be MIA for a bit =(

In another email...

...My cyst grew bigger but isnt affecting anything right now. There's nothing they can do for now since its not life threatening yet. But how do you tell someone who's going thru so much, who constantly gets bad news about their health, to not worry?! I'm so sick n tired of all this. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of taking meds, I'm tired of worrying wat will happen next. I'm so ready to jus give up but I can't cuz I have my kids n [husband] to think about. Getting this news right before my surgery has made things so much more difficult for me. I'm trying to jus deal with one thing at a time but I'm jus so exhausted...I really need a break from all this! 

I look up to her for so many reasons and believe that even with all that she is going through [has been going through], she is blessed beyond measure--we all are :)  In my heart, I know that I want to do so much for her and the non-profit foundation she wants to built, but I don't know exactly how I can help :(  So I plan to just take things one day at a time and be there for her--visit her often and bring her some of goodies and funny jokes hehe!

The day before her surgery, I said a prayer and each day, hold it faithfully in my heart.  She will pull through!  My friends and family that I continually pray for will pull through :) and we need these struggles in our lives as much as we need each other because without any pain or suffering, we would not be able to appreciate the greatness in our lives!!

My dearest, loving God,

I ask and pray that you please be with my friend [------]. Please send comforting thoughts her way and please fill her heart with your love, guidance, and presence, letting her know that her family, friends, and You are always with her rooting for her to continue doing a great job pushing through and being strong!! Please keep [her husband and children] strong and hopeful because as she much as she needs them, they need her more than she knows!! We all need her so please Lord, please protect my friend, whom has fought a long way being an amazing mother of three and a beautiful, wonderful wife! We trust that you will guide her through a safe and speedy recovery!!

In Your name we humbly pray for Your continued blessings for my amazing friend, [------], and her family. Amen.

Sent from my iPad

Sleep--A Fond Memory

I'm about 33 weeks into my pregnancy and I just can't seem to get in a good night's sleep :( Junior even went out of his way to buy me a boppy "pregnancy" pillow. It worked for a week with the help of some hot cocoa before bed, but last night was another bad night! I slept good until 2am, started tossing and turning in bed and attempting to get comfortable. Finally 2:30 came I ended up laying with my eyes wide awake until Junior's alarm for work went off at 5am :(

There are so many things that I miss about not being pregnant and sleep of course tops the list... But aside from that, not being able to dance is a biggie!! It's hard for me to even fathome that I went from dancing to almost every single day of my life since my adolescence to not doing it at all since August! I definitely feel bored, saggy due to the lack of muscle usage, and of course a lack of confidence. Dancing always gave me some kind of self security... that every time I stepped into the zone, no one could harm me, and that regardless of how much sweat and pain I had to endure, I still felt beautiful... Even without all the show make-up and gaudy costumes because looking the part really is only half the battle. When you dance with passion and grace, no one can touch you. And that's what real dancing is about--feeling the music and being so alive in it.

Another struggle in my life is my mom's care home. Since I have stopped working, I have been spending a lot of time at home, I get to witness what my mom deals with every day, seven days a week. It's no wonder my mom is so stressed and I can't blame her for taking it out on my dad and I, no matter how much we try to help her :( It's a hard career and I haven't given her the credit that she deserves for working so hard my whole life to be able to bring in half of the earnings for this family. And my dad works so hard to help her, on top of the overtime that he puts in at his regular job. I love my parents so much and hope that I can help them more so they can relax and also be able to work and take care of my soon to be bundle of joy.

I was brought to realize this about my mom just the other day, when she got upset about one of her patients constantly peeing his bed and how she's tired of having to waste her energy and money for the electricity bill always having to clean up after his mess when all he does is lay down, and eat all day. It's so simple for him to just get up and walk to the bathroom but instead he chooses to pee in his pants and the bed so that he doesn't have to interrupt whatever he is watching by going to the bathroom... In response to her scolding him he kept telling my mom "Fuck you!" continuously! And then made a comment that he would give her something more nasty [whatever in the world that supposed to mean] "/ I guess my mom has been doing for so long that these kinds of occurrences don't shake her, but it hurts me to hear my mom get disrespected like that!!

Well these are the thoughts that have pretty much occupied my mind this week. Last week I was able to enjoy some fun in my friend's swimming pool! It was so relaxing. I felt light as a feather, until I came out of the pool :( I hope that I will be able to enjoy more pool time before I give birth... It really calms and relaxes my mind... Something that I definitely need more of :)

Lots on My Mind :0(

We're about 2 and a half weeks into the new year and I feel like so much has taken place already. I must admit my attitude towards my relatives has changed positively since 2011. I helped my 2 aunties apply for housekeeping positions at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. One of my aunties got a call last week to come in for an interview today. I hope she gets it. I'm not sure if my other aunty got a call :( but I prayed in hopes that they would get the job to ease some stress off my mom so she won't have to worry about taking care of them all time. Sometimes however I can't help but get upset at them. Just the other day my aunties were trying to convince my mom to buy a foreclosed house for them to rent out! How can anyone have the audacity to ask for such a thing?? They don't know how hard my parents have to work just to pay off one mortgage and they want to ask my mom and dad to add another thirty-some-odd years to pay off another mortgage on a foreclosed house!! They don't even know why the home has been foreclosed and my parents may have to spend more money putting work in to fix the home :/ I can't help but feel upset at how they can just ask, ask, and ask for everything from my mom and dad when their own kids and grand kids wouldn't dare to abuse them financially like this!!

I feel like for the majority of m pregnancy I've been worrying so much about these family issues that I haven't even had the chance to rest my mind and prepare myself spiritually and mentally for my little one :( I have only weeks left before she will be here and I haven't even found her a pediatrician :( and being without a job has definitely taken a toll on my bank account. I'm so used to providing everything for myself. I'm honestly very lucky to have monies saved up...otherwise I wouldn't have survived the holidays and paying some doctor bills. Now I'm just worried about having monies to buy all of the essentials for baby :0(

Going into my last trimester, sleep has been nothing but a distant memory for me. I can't even remember the last time I had a good night's rest. I cried to Junior last night telling him how I was so over being pregnant! I'm tired of the body aches and pains, tired of being fat, tired of not being able to drink/ eat sushi/ work out the way I used to, tired of not being able to dance, tired of always feeling so drained from lack of sleep. I think my emotions just got the best of me because deep down, I have been so blessed to have the support of my nearest and dearest friends!!

Love you :)

2 0 1 2

H A P P Y . N E W . Y E A R !

The New Year has been great so far! I'm as plump as can be, but I sincerely could not be anymore grateful for everything that I have in life thus far... still hoping and praying for a healthy baby :0)

Resolutions... This year, I resolute to be

1) Frugal, esp. with a baby on the way and no job at the moment.
2) Less paranoid--I've been watching too many murder/crime shows lately that I have been having a hard time sleeping at night because I'm afraid that someone will break into my house and murder me :'( I can recall having these kind of fears even as a child :(
3) Help out my parents more with the physical household duties
4) Give more--in any and every way possible!

Last Day of 2011

These last few days of 2011 have been so busy that I haven't had the chance to blog about Christmas, but I am not complaining because nothing beats being the company of great and amazing people!!

• December 17-Pajama Party with a group of my best friends
• December 22-Christmas Party Reunion with friends I've made from the Alaka'i Malama Academy
• December 23-Christmas Lunch Date with my best friends Chris, Ian, PJ, Abe, and Melenj
• December 23-Ma'ohi Nui Christmas Party with my hula sisters and brothers
• December 24-Christmas Eve spent openning presents with the Burgess' then Midnight Mass with MY family, Abi, and Hallie
• December 25-Christmas Day spent with both sides again.
• December 26-Registered at Babies 'r' Us
• December 28-Surprise Birthday Dinner for Sharon Sonson
• December 30-Birthday Dinner for Shayna Muhammad

So many great events leading up to 2012.  I spent today, cleaning and helping my mom and aunties prepare a feast for the New Year!  I know I have had a negative attitude about them prior to this blog, but on Christmas Day, I asked my Jesus if it was too late to change my Grinchy-attitude and if I could still ask for his forgiveness.  Since then I have been more loving and happy towards them and try to carry on with helping my mom!!  We did a lot of cleaning and preparing today... now, I must get ready to go to a bbq with my baby's daddy and his family :D

Cookie also has a new bed, which is under the soft blanky, courtesy of my loving sister, Tine :0)

She looooves it soooo much!!! Thanks Tine!!

Have a safe celebration everyone!! More pictures to come :)

19 Days Left in 2011

    With the year nearing its end, there are still a couple of things I wanted to do to make this year complete.  Every year I'm always good and punctual with gathering a lot of my "pre-loved" belongings and donating them to my local Goodwill bin and writing out donations to the St. Jude Foundation and Children's AIDs foundation, but this year I've slacked :( I know that I've given a lot of clothes and money to my family that has moved to Hawaii earlier this year... and along with their Christmas presents, I think I've given them more than enough!!  They are not the only people in need.

    Christmas cards :0)  I love receiving Christmas cards, especially when I get so see my friend's Holiday photos.  I thought of sending some out this year as well in hopes that it'll reach my recipients in a timely fashion.  It seemed like a great idea to me at first, but then I really thought about it... my baby's daddy and I aren't married so to me it seems silly to say, "Merry Christmas!  Love, Jax and Junior and fetus" versus, "Merry Christmas!  Love, The [Franklins]"  We're not really a family-unit yet so I'll hold off until next year :0)

    ****Okay, sorry this has nothing to do with the last 19 days of 2011, but I need to vent, like right now!  So my mom had asked me to prepare lunch for her patients.  Previously when I was working full time, my dad would help her w/ caring for them and just recently my mom's sisters would also help since they just moved here and couldn't find jobs that they liked.  But today, my dad is still in Guam and it's one of those days where her sisters left the house, probably gallivanting and spending the money my mom gives them.  My dad and I are my mom's primary substitute care-givers so we KNOW how to do these things and we don't get paid to help her.  Anyways, I had something baking in the oven for the patients and moments later my mom's sisters arrive back at the house.  I specifically told them that I was already preparing their meals and I would monitor their food and I would remove it from the oven WHEN IT WAS READY!  So I left for a while to continue w/ my blog and with all that being instructed my stupid Aunty removes what I had baking minutes prior to it being done and the both of them were constantly asking, "Is it cooked? Is it cooked?" ...This is me in my head knowing that the meat is un-fucking-cooked [OH MY FAHHHKING GOODNESS!!!  ARE YOU FRIKKEN KIDDING ME?!?!?  Did you not hear what I had told you... that I would remove it from the oven WHEN IT WAS READY!]  I ovbiously cannot stand them and I know the only reason why they are SOOOOO willing to help is because my mom pays them to help because after a couple of months not finding a job they decided to settle with not working.  They're too fucking lazy to go out and look for real jobs like the rest of us Americans have to do.  Gunfunnit it took me fucking 8 months to find the job I wanted and this was AFTER COLLEGE... with a degree!  I don't want my mom to have to keep working just to continue to give them an income... these fuckers have to learn on their own!!!!!!  Yes, I know I'm not working now, but I intend to when baby is here and I have some monies saved up.  I'm so maaaaaad at them!!!! UGGGHHH!!!!****

    Okay so back to my blog... So, my dad has been gone since October and the job was only supposed to be for 3 weeks, meaning he was supposed to be back before, if not by November 12, 2011, my birthday :0( as of today, December 12, 2011.  He is not back yet.  Delay after delay after delay!!!  I am upset with his job!!  He has already missed Halloween, my birthday, my mom's birthday, Thanksgiving weekend, and at this rate, most likely Christmas too :0(  I just hope that he returns home in the next 19 days that are left in this year.

    Usually during this time, I like to gather up ideas for resolutions for the upcoming year.  Working out or staying fit is usually somewhere on that list, but this year I feel it is especially crucial since I'm gaining weight with child.  I was going through some of my old files and found some old photos.  And although I don't have a clear set of New Year's Resolutions for 2012, I can use the photos that I found as motivation for whatever I resolute to do hehe!!

    Wish me luck ;0)  Have a blessed "19 days everyone!"  Now, I'm off to gather some things to donate!  Love you all!!

Last Christmas

It's almost hard to believe that this year is coming to an end!  Last Christmas doesn't seem so long ago.  I spent the Holidays practicing day in and day out for our Tahitian group's Christmas Production over at the Aloha Tower.  Who knew that, that was to be the last Christmas I'd spend being myself--meaning the pre-pregnant me hehe!  And although the year seemed to have gone by so quickly, my pregnancy just seems to draaaag day by day :0(  I seriously can't wait for baby to come so I can hold my precious angel in my arms instead of in my womb.

Along this journey I was able to take some maternity pictures.  In the beginning when I had arrived home from our Japan dance tour I already knew in my head that if I decided to take any pictures with child, I didn't want to do the typical beach photos that a lot of expecting mothers take only because these days, the beaches are crowded w/ photo shoots!  I remember our family did a shoot during the New Year and our photographer said she would "photoshop people out of the scenery." I didn't want something "made or photoshoped."  I wanted something simple, natural, and wow!  Here are just a few of the photos that were taken by my awesome friend, Ian Susa.  All I can say is that it pays to do your homework and that I have the greatest friends ever!!

The holidays always gets me in a cheerful mood!  I love when my mom and I get together to "Deck the Halls" We bought our Christmas tree and I got to decorate it this year... no it's no Rockefeller Center tree, in fact it's quite small and meek :0)

I also wanted to display some of the cool gifts that I got.  [Ever since I was little I didn't have the patience to wait for Christmas to open gifts.  I'd always creep under the tree and tear little holes in the wrapping paper just to get a little sneak hehe!]

My boyfriend got me and ipad!!!!!  Okay so some of the things I did gift myself lol, but doesn't mean that I ONLY shop for myself... no, no, NOOO, not at all!

Aside from the gifts that I've bought for family and friends, I am still helping my mom financially to help HER FAMILY make a living.  Some days I don't mind, but other days I think about how soon I will have a family of my own and I can't be always throwing my money here and there to help them!!  And it hurts me a lot and I get so emotional because the kids don't appreciate the sacrifices that I've had to make.  I had to give up my room for them, our pets suffer having to live outside because of them, I've given clothes to them, bought groceries for them, give my mom money for their rent and other things.  No, these kids don't know that a portion of the money comes from me.  They don't know how to take care of MY family's home.  They don't know who pays the electricity bills and cleans up the kitchen and bathroom after them.  They don't know how much it hurts me to be in this situation and I sometimes feel that my mom even forgets.

Today is one of my cousin's birthday.  My mom wants to throw a pizza party and asks me for money to pay for it.  I overheard one of my aunts asking how much it would cost and my mom said, "No, it's okay!  I got it!"  Oh **crinkled forhead** well doesn't she mean that I (her daughter) GOT IT!  Then, of course the kids will eat all the food and leave nothing for me... as usual!  I think they just assume I'm invisible and I'm not hungry :0(  I've been feeling this way for a very long time and I'm constantly battling my thoughts to just be nice because my mom tells me constantly to not scold them, but it's so hard!!  How could I not scold them?!  On top of everything I've previously mentioned my cousins even dared to look at porn on my computer--which was in my room--without my consent!!!

If there's really anything I would want for Christmas... it would be to have peace in this home once again and for my parents to get a break from her relatives taking everything from them :0(  Hopefully this will be the last Christmas that I will spend having to feel this way :0(

UPDATE: The kids ate all the cheetos :'( but it's okay because I always start to feel bad because of the happy smiles on all of their faces.  Here's the second round of gifts for my family that is not overseas.  The santa sacks are for the kids filled with candy goodies and some money... key word is some money because hello?!  Aunteh not rich! HAHAHAHAHA!

H A P P Y . H O L I D A Y S . E V E R Y O N E !!!